“But, I disappear into the person that I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog’s money, my dog’s time - everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume you for all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else. I do not relay these facts about myself with pride, but this is how it’s always been.
Dear God, I could use a little break from this cycle, to give myself some space to discover what I look like and talk like when I’m not trying to merge with someone. And also, let’s be honest - it might be a generous public service for me to leave intimacy alone for a while. When I scan back on my romantic record, it doesn’t look so good. It’s been one catastrophe after another. How many different types of men can I keep trying to love and continue to fail? Think of it this way - if you’d had ten serious traffic accidents in a row, wouldn’t they eventually have to take your driver’s license away? Wouldn’t you kind of want them to?”
- Eat Pray Love
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