you know, i don't want to be a cynic, but honestly! "my wife and i were fighting and suddenly i realized i might not love her." "my girlfriend just left me and i don't feel sad, just numb. is this normal?" "my partner and i are looking at possible separation for a year and a half, how do we cope?" and my most recent favorite: "alls fair in love and war?"
there are too many things to think about within relationships. if anything, metafilter has taught me that love isnt so....lovey. it's not that unwavering love at first sight everlasting smooth sailing love. this realization discourages me by 50% and encourages me by the other 50. part of me is just severely disappointed. how could disney be so deceiving? but, the other part of me is like "thank god, it's like this for everyone." everyone has those days where you just don't care and it feels like too much work and "obviously this isn't meant to be because it shouldn't be this hard." if it's love, it won't take work? is that a misconception? i think the willingness to work, the desire to see an issue through, to be sure, might be what it takes.
and thinking about it now, i'm realizing my life experiences and the life experiences of those i know really back this up. i remember the "i don't know if he is someone i want to marry, i think i should break up with him." and even the more recent "i just don't feel like hanging out with him tonight, thats a bad sign." and both girls who said those things are in perfectly successful relationships with the same guys who had previously sparked those doubts.
metafilter lesson: relationships are hard to do.
but for those of us with the beauty and the beast syndrome, the retriever-barnacle gene, askmefi is harsh. harsh, harsh. DTMFA is probably the most commonly used response within the human relationships section of metafilter. dear abby is even harsher,
DEAR ABBY: From the very beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, "Rusty," I have known he was my soulmate. During one of our conversations about marriage, the subject arose of who comes first in a marriage -- the wife or the children. I was brought up to believe that the wife should come first, but Rusty disagrees. Rusty insists the children should come first.
Abby, am I wrong in my thinking? What happened to a man and a woman becoming one? Oh, by the way, Rusty has a 10-year-old girl from a previous relationship. -- WONDERING IN HOT SPRINGS, ARK.
DEAR WONDERING: Forgive me if this seems negative, but while you may "know" that Rusty is your soulmate, I am not convinced. If the discussion you mentioned came about because of Rusty's daughter, then he has made clear to you who comes first. And if you're smart, you won't turn it into a competition. You'll look for an unencumbered man who can give you what you need.
well shit, abby. yeah, that does seem negative. and no, i am not sure that i will forgive you. "And if you're smart, you won't turn it into a competition. You'll look for an unencumbered man who can give you what you need." well, what if she isn't smart? what if breaking up with her self identified soul mate based on a potential problem and looking for an 'unencumbered' one isn't that easy? maybe sometimes you just get ripped off and your soulmate happens to be....encumbered!
see, i have more of an issue with abby. because first of all, she has been letting me down for years. yes, i have been reading dear abby since i was eight (and yes, it was very confusing to me before i learned what sex was). anyways, ann landers was so much more sympathetic. as hard as metafilter is on MFAs, at least there are always one or two people who post an encouraging anecdote and remind the person that their feelings are valid, albeit, illogical/self-destructive. but with abby, you don't get that. you get her harsh judgement of the niece who still hasn't mailed those thank you notes ten months after the wedding (maybe shes too depressed to address the envelopes after reading dear abby, that's gotta be hard on a newlywed) and her quick dismissal of relationships, like it's so easy. if abigail van buren weren't such a lady, i bet she'd answer every question in her column with "If you're smart, you'll DTMFA, dear."
as much as i've learned from all this human relation medium, i'll never forget the line from the classic mary-kate and ashley olsen movie "it takes two" (do not play like you haven't seen it. almost every girl i know went through an olsen twins obsession..more on this later.)
"It's got to be that can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kind of stuff, right?"
right.
1 comment:
all of this. so good.
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